A Camp Full of Idiots
by DarkPaladin000
Summary: Warning: Continued reading of this fanfiction may cause: headaches, fits of giggling, spit-takes, and such. It's not going to make any sense, but still, you might as well enjoy it.
1. The Huge Misunderstanding

**Disclaimer: I don't own PJO. Trust me, you don't want me to.**

"Hey Jackson, come over here," Jason beckoned. It was a nice, sunny day at Camp Half-Blood, and Jason was standing outside the Zeus cabin. Percy noticed that there was something weird going on but he went over anyway.

"What's up? Why are you dressed for a war game and why is your spear drawn?" Percy asked.

Jason had a dangerous glint in his eyes. "Well you see Percy, I saw you holding hands with Annabeth yesterday. Don't you remember the pact?"

Instantly a chill crept down Percy's spine. The boys had lost to the girls in a game of Capture the Flag and they had sworn abstinence for a week. It was a very serious oath with death as the penalty for breaking it. Percy had just been helping Annabeth after she had fallen down, but apparently these guys were forming their own theories.

"It wasn't like it seems," Percy muttered. Jason was in full battle armor, but soon more people crept out from all around him. They were all muttering death chants.

"How shall we punish the heretic?" Jason asked. Pretty much every single male demigod in existence had gathered around them. They had all felt the pain of being alone for a week and couldn't stand that Percy had gone and broken a sacred oath. They all started pouring in ideas.

"Death by guillotine."

"Death by spontaneous human combustion."

"Death by bad publicity."

Percy burst into a cold sweat. These guys weren't kidding.

"No, no, no," Jason said. "We can't just do that." Percy breathed out of relief. Surely Jason, who had been in so many life and death situations with him wouldn't be so cruel.

"Percy can't die so easily," Jason said. "Those punishments are far too lenient. We have to give him the worst- **death by Apollo's poetry**."

"YOU GUYS ARE INHUMAN!" Percy shouted as everyone agreed. He quickly ran away, there was no way that he could take on all of these people at once.

His first reaction was, of course, to go for the lake. Unfortunately though, it seemed that his enemies had anticipated that and had set up a perimeter around the lake.

There wasn't any way through, Percy noticed. He fumed and noticed that it was unusually hot all around him. He couldn't feel the water around him anywhere, and the sun was beating down on him like a hammer.

Clearly they had been forming this whole plan since last night. Percy couldn't risk going to the Poseidon cabin. He had to go to safety.

"Get him!" some people dressed in armor and armed to the teeth shouted behind him. Percy concentrated all he could and sent water hidden deep underground at them. They all screamed and collapsed to the ground.

"That's what you get for envying other people's happiness!" Percy shouted. Though he had tried to sound cool, that trick had really cost him. It was just too hot…

Percy did his best to sneak around the guards placed everywhere and entered the Aphrodite cabin. He figured that nobody would bother to look for him in there, and he was sure that they would have something to beat the heat inside.

As he was applying moisturizer all over himself, someone walked in. It was a pretty cute Aphrodite girl wearing the Camp Half-Blood t-shirt.

"Um, are you Percy Jackson?"

Percy considered things. She didn't look dangerous, but he couldn't have her telling the others that he was here. He still decided to go for it, but he kept his hand on Riptide just in case.

"Yes."

"Oh wow. You see, there's been something that I've always wanted to tell you. You see, I, I, kind of heard all about you and thought that you know, you might want to go out sometime?"

"Um, that's nice, but I'm sort of already into somebody." Percy realized that this girl was probably new to camp.

"Really? Who?" the girl asked.

"Well, the thing is, that person's name is…" Percy began. He still wasn't entirely comfortable spouting his secrets to a complete stranger. He then saw someone outside the window. "JASON!" he shouted. He looked outside and saw that the Praetor was surrounded by guards. Percy wanted to decapitate him, but he couldn't fight all of them at once.

"So, really? That's who you like?"

"Um, yeah," Percy muttered, not even noticing what the girl was asking him. "Listen, I like need to hide from some people for now."

"Okay," the girl said. "You can just sleep beneath one of the bunks. I have to tell everyone about this new development…"

The last sentence sounded pretty ominous, but Percy was too tired to care. After all, he had expanded a lot of energy running away and he had spent all night watching _Finding Nemo_ in 3D instead of doing his Greek homework. The moment he thought about his homework, he drifted off pretty quickly.

* * *

Percy's dreams were filled with happy thoughts about stabbing that traitor Jason. He woke up when he noticed that someone was in the Cabin. He assumed it was just another bubble headed Aphrodite kid and not a threat and so he got out and saw that it was Frank.

"PERCY! Die!" Frank shouted. Clearly everyone had thought that Frank was useless and stationed him here, Percy thought. Unfortunately, Frank already had grabbed one of his arrows. Percy wouldn't have enough time to grab Riptide so he grabbed the nearest weapon on the table: a nail clipper.

Great, what am I supposed to do with this? Percy thought. Maybe he should have sought refuge in the Ares cabin instead.

Five minutes later, Percy was running out of the Aphrodite cabin. Frank was on the floor and was sobbing with pain, which Percy found weird since all he had done was clip his nails.

"Kill the heretic!" a shout came from somewhere. Percy ran. It was still hot outside, and he wondered how long these guys were going to keep this up. They were armed with spears and swords and… books filled with Apollo's poetry. Percy ran faster when he saw them.

The lake was still cut off from him, so he thought about the Big House. He could probably execute a jump from there into the lake. He at once headed towards it.

On the way however, he bumped into Jason. Something was weird about him. He wasn't wearing his usual Praetor symbols, and he looked like he was running away from something dangerous.

Not that Percy cared. Percy uncapped Riptide and advanced slowly towards Jason before he noticed that there was a flock of doves running after him.

Jason glared at Percy but ran with a look that clearly said that he didn't have time to deal with him. Percy looked at the things that were following him and saw that Lady Aphrodite seemed to be leading them. She saw Percy.

"Oh, my dear, I support all forms of love. Even those of the kind you've chosen. But unfortunately you've broken my daughter's heart, and for this you must pay," she said. Percy didn't get what she was saying but he did get that he was in trouble and began running after Jason.

"Jason! You moron, you are so going to die!" Percy said. Jason glared at him.

"You're the one who should rot in Tartarus. Do you know the kinds of things they've been saying about me? Did you really go and tell a girl from the Aphrodite cabin that we are-" he was interrupted by Lady Aphrodite's wail.

"Oh, you two are running away together from danger. I hate to be the villain in love, I really do, but I just can't forgive you breaking up with my children like this."

Percy was getting very, very confused but figured that he had to survive the doves first and then he could ask questions later. Aphrodite was flinging some sort of heavy and ugly-looking doves at them that would have made the Ugly Duckling look nice. Percy liked the tale of the Ugly Duckling; it had always been one of his favorites.

But this wasn't a time to think about that.

"Does she have some sort of unlimited ammo cheat?" Percy asked and Aphrodite swung a bird at them which must have been the thousandth one. Just then Percy got an idea.

"Lady Aphrodite! Your makeup is on wrong," Percy said. It was a desperate plea but it worked and Aphrodite stopped sprinting after them and immediately checked herself in the mirror to make sure that she was ab-SO-lutely fabulous.

Percy and Jason hid behind the Demeter Cabin. The coast seemed to be clear for now. The moment he caught his breath Percy tried to punch Jason. Jason dodged and cuffed Percy on the shoulder.

"Idiot! Seaweed brain! Guys, come on! We're behind the Demeter Cabin!" Jason said. Percy glared at him. He was calling for more troops. It was a smart idea, but Jason wasn't the only one with brains.

Percy took something out of his pocket and before Jason knew it he was handcuffed to Percy. Percy had found those handcuffs beneath Pipers' bed in a box that said 'For Emergencies'. They would completely bind two people together, and both would share something kind of like an empathy link. Percy was worried as to why Piper would keep something like that with her, but he had bigger problems.

"What did you just do?"

"If I die, we both die," Percy said calmly. They heard voices from in front of the cabin and both tried to run in opposite directions, but of course the handcuffs didn't break that easily.

"Follow me!" both of them yelled at the same time.

"No, you do what I do!" they screamed simultaneously.

Just then, people filed in from both sides. They were surrounded.

"Kill the heretic," they all chanted.

"Look guys," Jason said, "I'm chained to Percy so if you want to kill him you'll end up killing me too. Let's just wait for a moment."

All of the people around them paused. They then said, "Brother Jason must be sacrificed for the greater good. Kill them both."

Percy and Jason ran as fast as they could, but they were really slowed down due to the handcuffs as they repeatedly ran in opposite directions. They finally managed to make their way to the front of the Athena cabin.

There, Piper and Annabeth were both holding hands and looked like they had been crying. Then they saw Percy and Jason handcuffed together and burst into tears

"So, it's true…" Annabeth sobbed.

"What's true?" Percy asked. Jason glared at him and said,

"Didn't you tell an Aphrodite girl that we are- that we are, a couple?"

Just then everything that Percy had said registered to him and a lead brick slid into his stomach. "GODS NO! Why, Annabeth, really, it's not what you think, we're not, you know, what you're thinking."

Annabeth looked hopeful. "Really Percy, I always believed that you wouldn't betray me like that."

"Me too." Piper chimed in.

"Then why are both holding medieval torture devices in your hands?" Percy asked.

"I thought you said that he would be too stupid to notice," Piper said to Annabeth.

"I thought so," Annabeth said. "So just use your Charmspeak and draw them in so we can teach them a lesson."

Percy and Jason stuffed their fingers into their ears and made a beeline for any sort of exit they could find. Of course, at that time, Aphrodite just had to pop up out of nowhere. She also seemed to be in tears at seeing them handcuffed together, but also murmured that they had to die no matter what the strength of their love.

On a bright note though, one of her doves managed to break the handcuffs so Jason and Percy could finally go their own ways. Percy still couldn't enter the lake because there were guards positioned all over there, so he instead decided to head towards the Big House like he had planned earlier.

Before he could though, someone walked out of the Zeus cabin. What do you know, it was Zeus himself and he did not look happy.

"Perseus Jackson," the god muttered. "I cannot forgive you for what you've done. Having an affair with one of my children? Never!"

"But, Lord Zeus, I haven't done anything to Thalia," Percy pleaded.

"I was talking about Jason," Zeus said.

"NO! YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG, LORD! There's nothing like that!" Percy said. It was clear that Zeus didn't believe him though.

"Truly, Percy. I always disapproved of you but still put up with you for my brother's sake. But you've just gone too far this time. I never thought that you would be… oriented the other way. I can't have something like that ruining my reputation."

Percy snorted. "Pfft. Yeah right, _you're_ the one saying stuff like that is wrong? Hypocrite." This was apparently the wrong thing to say as Zeus raised his Master Bolt.

"Any last wishes, godling?"

"Um, yeah. Can I have a phone call?" Percy asked. Zeus hesitated. He hadn't really considered granting Percy a last request, he just thought that it would have sounded cool, but he guessed it wouldn't hurt to let Percy have a phone call.

"Fine. One phone call." Zeus handed Percy an IPhone 5 that had a lightning bolt streaked behind it. Zeus guessed that Percy was going to call his mother or someone like that, but not even contacting his father was going to help him.

Percy prayed that what he was planning would work. He selected a number from the contacts and then dialed it.

"Um, yes, Lady Hera? I just wanted you to know that I saw Lord Zeus flirting with some college chicks. He's right here, in Camp Half-Blood."

Zeus' arrogant grin faded. "You! Do you have any idea what you've done?! Curses, Jackson, I will get back at you for this one day! I won't repeat the same mistake I did today of granting you a last request."

"Actually, your mistake was keeping your wife's phone number in your cell phone. Seriously, who does that?" Percy said. Zeus exploded into golden sparks and Percy could hear Hera shouting at him from above.

Percy sighed out of relief. He realized just how close he had gotten to being killed. Just then, an arrow struck the wall two inches from his ear. It was from some kids from the Apollo cabin.

Can't they take a holiday? Percy thought as he dodged a few more arrows. They were blocking his path towards the Big House so he was forced to retreat towards the Aphrodite cabin.

He managed to lose them along the way, and he peered inside. Frank was gone and the only one there was that Aphrodite girl he had met earlier. Finally, Percy thought. He had to clear up a few misconceptions.

The girl saw him and her eyes lit up. "Oh, it's good that you've come here."

"Listen, there's some things I have to tell you but I need to survive momentarily for now. I need to get to the Big House without getting spotted."

"Ah yes. There will always be those who oppose love," she said. "Especially your kind."

"No," Percy said. "I, there's nothing going on between me and Jason, alright?"

The girl shook her head. "No need to be modest or shy. Though the world may be cruel, but your love must live on."

Percy realized that there was going to be no convincing this girl. He also found it odd that she wasn't repulsed by the stuff she was talking about, and seemed to like it. What is wrong with the world? Percy thought.

"I'll help you get out though," she said. She pulled out a maid outfit from her closet. "Just wear this and a hat, and no one will recognize you as long as they don't look closely. Then you can get to the Big House just fine."

Percy considered just stabbing himself with Riptide. It might have been less painful then doing what he was about to do.

Percy stepped outside awkwardly. He was sure that someone was going to notice him immediately, but strangely enough he managed to make it to the inside of the Big House without raising any alarm.

Inside, his heart froze. Jason was right there in front of him. Percy wondered if he still had Riptide on him or if it was back in his old pants.

Jason looked at him and then said, "Excuse me miss, but is there a problem? I could help you out you know."

Percy was faced with several conflicting emotions. For one, apparently Jason thought that he was attractive. This made him want to puke. Secondly, he was actually cheating on Piper right now, and that was a sure signal that he deserved to have his heart ripped out and fed to the wolves.

"Why don't you stop that hat from cover your face- BY THE GODS IT'S YOU PERCY!" Jason seemed very shocked to see Percy. "Why are you wearing that?"

Percy reached for Riptide and Jason tried to grab his hand to make him fumble. At that time, Annabeth and Piper also walked in and saw a very disturbing scene.

"Jason is- Jason is, he's trying to caress Percy underneath his dress." Annabeth sobbed.

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO!" Jason shouted. Percy and Jason both started running up the stairs.

"Wait, come back!" Piper shouted.

"Throw away those machetes and then we'll talk," Jason said, unfazed by Piper's Charmspeak.

"Stop Percy. You should be a normal boy and like girls and not dress up like that," Annabeth said.

"DO YOU THINK I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I WANT TO?" Percy shouted back.

"By the way, why are you running towards the roof?" Jason asked. "I was going to fly away, but that clearly can't be your plan."

"I want to go to the lake," Percy said.

They both kept climbing upwards while trying to shove each other. However, they found their way blocked by a lot of wooden boards.

"I put these up," Jason said. "They were supposed to block you off." Jason then looked at a nearby window and jumped off, floating in the air.

"What about me?" Percy asked.

"You can rot in Hades for all I care," Jason said and flew away. Percy uncapped Riptide, which luckily he still had and broke through the barricade.

He stepped onto the roof to find Apollo glaring at him.

"Sorry kid, but Zeus told me you had to go," Apollo said and pulled out a bow. A single arrow, as hot as the sun itself was strung to it and Apollo took aim.

Percy realized that he was going to be dead and just stared at the god, paralyzed.

But Apollo didn't shoot for some reason. He put his bow down instead. "I-I-I just can't do this. Zeus had forbidden these kinds of relationships among the gods, said marriage is always between a man and a woman, but I can't let that happen to you. Go Percy, and live life like you want to, don't care about what the world thinks. I don't care how I'm punished, but I cannot allow something like this to end."

When Percy realized what Apollo was saying he snapped. "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!"

Percy jumped off the roof and somehow managed to land in water. He thought he was safe until he noticed the naiads around him. They were holding phones and taking pictures… of him.

"Lord Poseidon will love this," one of them said.

"I know! Lord Percy looks so cute in that maid outfit," another one added.

Percy screamed again. "I CAN'T SHOW MY FACE IN PUBLIC ANYMORE!" If it was possible to die of bad publicity, Percy would have already crossed the River Styx.

Percy jumped out of the water and started running like crazy while the naiads behind him kept asking him to stop and pose for more photographs.

* * *

Lord Dionysus walked into camp. He saw Percy in a maid outfit (what was that about?) being chased by naiads and a whole lot of other armed campers as well as Aphrodite and the whole Athena cabin. Jason also seemed to be running away from the same crowd, and above, Zeus and Hera were arguing about something, and it seemed that Hera was winning. Apollo was spouting some nonsense poetry about love and how it wasn't limited by gender (seriously, what was THAT about?) from the top of the Big House while Frank was sobbing nearby about his nails.

The God of Wine took a sip of Diet Coke. "What a bunch of idiots," he said.

**A/N And so the first chapter ends. I probably won't be continuing this unless I see some requests and demand for another one.**

**So anyway, I'd like to know your favorite part, if any, and how much you would donate to my fund to get me a good therapist. **


	2. In The Quest For Food

**A/N: So, yeah, disregarding whatever I said for the last chapter, I got so bored and this second chapter just sort of happened. By the way, NotTelling XYZ, when you said you'd donate 10,000, 10,000 what? Drachmas? Dollars? Potatoes? Please let it be potatoes!**

Percy Jackson was feeling hungry. Very hungry. Due to the events of last night, he had missed dinner, overslept, and totally missed breakfast as well. Now that he put his mind to it, he hadn't eaten since yesterday's breakfast. His stomach rumbled, but that meanie Dionysus wouldn't let him eat something else.

Just then, Percy got an idea. The naiads might have something that he could eat. At the very least though, he could go into the water and think properly for a moment.

Percy approached the lake's edge, and was surprised to note that the naiads had come out. Percy told them that he needed food and they managed to pull out a platter of everything a child of Poseidon would need. Percy reached for the plate when one of the naiads said,

"Lord Percy, we have some good news."

"What?" Percy asked. The naiads looked uncharacteristically happy, and he even forgot to gorge on the food for the moment.

"Do you remember that cute photo of you in a maid dress that we took?"

"Yes," Percy said. He still felt embarrassed about that.

"Well, it was so good that we decided to enter it in the 'Prettiest Under the Sea Contest'. This year's category was maid outfits, so you were pretty lucky, and look, you won."

The naiad showed him a copy of a newspaper that had the headline showing that the contest was over. The winners were, in order,

1. Percy Jackson (It showed a photo of him in a maid outfit)

2. Amphitrite

3. Calypso

"Isn't it just wonderful? Now your photo has been spread out all over every single body of water! Lady Amphitrite's been winning for the last few thousand years, but we were sure that you'd win. Now every single person in the world will know about this!"

Percy just couldn't take the humiliation anymore. He began crying. The naiads just assumed that he was crying just like all beauty pageants winners do when they win.

Percy reached out to take the food, but found that it was dragged away. He thought for a moment that he had been cursed like Tantalus when he found that it was one of the naiads who did it.

"I just thought about it," one of them said. "If Lady Percy eats too much, she'll get fat and won't look good in a dress. I know! You were probably on a diet and so you didn't eat much. Don't worry, we'll help you, we won't let your willpower waver. Come on girls, let's take this food away." The naiads took the food and disappeared into the water.

"What was that about! I don't want to wear a dress and I'm not on a diet! AND SINCE WHEN DID IT BECOME 'LADY' PERCY!"

"Percy, are you crying?" a voice behind him asked. Percy turned around to see his arch nemesis, Jason standing there arrogantly.

"No, I was, um, generating seawater through my eyes. It's one of my special powers," Percy said.

"That's the stupidest lie I've ever heard," Jason said. "But anyway, do you know why I'm here?"

"Why do I care?"

"Well the thing is Percy, I saw you crying and I just couldn't help myself."

"Why?"

"Well, the thing is, I hate your happiness. I just can't stand to see your joy. So I came here to enjoy your sorrow."

"YOU'RE INHUMAN! DIE!" Percy uncapped Riptide and swung it at Jason. Jason parried it with his spear and then did some strange maneuver where he didn't hit Percy and then ran away for some reason. Percy thought it was weird, but he was too famished to care.

Percy quickly found out that he was unable to filter feed like a sponge and was forced to go elsewhere for nourishment. He thought about eating the bark off the trees like that girl did in _The Hunger Games _but assumed that it would make the dryads unhappy.

Instead, he tried to go to Travis and Conner. They must have smuggled in some illegal snacks which he could get. Percy slowly trudged off in their direction.

Strangely enough, they seemed shocked when he approached them and he could tell that they were hiding something from him. Percy approached them quickly and took whatever it was that Travis had hidden behind his back.

It was a large poster of Percy in a maid outfit. Percy looked around and saw similar merchandise around their table.

"What is this?" Percy asked.

"Well, you see, ever since you won that contest, people have been spilling all over to buy your photographs so we thought we'd make some money," Travis said.

"We were going to sell them at five drachmas each, but they were so popular we changed the price to ten drachmas."

These people are making money off of my misery, Percy thought. "Well, anyway, I just- where'd my drachmas go?" Percy suddenly asked. His jeans had been ripped and there wasn't a single coin on him. He suddenly remembered his fight with Jason and realized that he had been had.

"It doesn't matter," Percy said. "You guys are using my photos, so I demand a cut and so GIVE ME SOME FOOD!"

"Well, we would," Conner said nervously.

"But Jason just came by here and bought everything," Travis added.

Percy realized that Jason had stolen his money and used it to buy food so that he couldn't get any. That guy really was his enemy.

"Anyway, just who is buying those photos?" Percy asked curiously.

"Well, you know, we've got large orders from pretty much everybody, including the Underworld. They went around saying that they needed something to beautify the place up. I guess there are thousands of your photos floating around down there."

I can't rest in peace even after death, Percy realized with a sob.

"Percy, are you generating seawater from your eyes again?"

"Yeah, um, why are these photos a bit different from mine?"

"Well, you see, the original photos were fine, but we kind of needed to do some slight changes. Don't take it the wrong way, but your chest is sort of underdeveloped."

"OF COURSE! I'M A GUY YOU IDIOTS!" Percy screamed and then ran off. It was about lunchtime, and he just had to get something. Oddly enough, he found that there were no campers around the lunch area. There was only Chiron.

"Um, why isn't there any food?" Percy asked.

"Well, the thing is that Jason just came by and told me that the campers had decided to donate one entire meal to the poor. It was very generous really, and so we gave away all of the food. There won't be any lunch today," Chiron replied and then trotted off.

Percy had had it. He silently vowed to himself that Jason wasn't going to leave the next Senate meeting alive. But that didn't solve the problem of his hunger.

He collapsed onto the ground. He just had to find some sort of nourishment. Maybe since his dad was Poseidon, and he was the Father of Horses. Maybe that meant that Percy could eat grass.

Percy tried. After three mouthfuls he realized that he was completely wrong.

Oddly enough, he then began hearing the thoughts of a few horses nearby. They were saying that their food was unusually tasty, and Percy drifted off in their direction. Even if it was horse food, he knew he needed something.

Before he could take a bite though, Percy felt something. Seafood. There was fish mixed up in here. The horses wouldn't mind, but Percy just couldn't eat that. It went against his nature. He walked away.

He began noticing screams and shouts from the other campers. Maybe camp was under attack again. Percy sighed. He wouldn't have any energy to fight, and as he saw Jason draw nearby, he didn't even try to budge.

But once Jason was within striking distance, Percy stabbed Riptide at Jason's liver. It was hard to defend, and would likely be fatal. Jason blocked it though, and he hadn't been fasting for the last thirty hours and wasn't sleep deprived. Jason pulled on Percy's wrist until he dropped Riptide.

"Now listen closely, idiot. Leo and I went on some sort of... expedition underwater and ended up aggravating these mermen. They're attacking camp, but it's okay because I told everyone that it's your fault."

"YOU WHAT?!" Percy exclaimed.

"Yeah, I told them that Lady Amphitrite was mad that you beat her in that beauty pageant and sent those guys as revenge. So, come on, start thinking quick on how to get rid of them."

"I can't. I don't have anymore power anymore because I haven't eaten." Jason gritted his teeth since that was his fault. But then, he just opened up a bag he was carrying and pulled out a brownie. It looked familiar somehow.

"It's that one which Leo brought from under the sea that time," Jason said (This refers to the Mark of Athena.) "They were so good that I just had to get the recipe, and I sort of stole it from these guys. That's why they're really attacking."

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME! YOU JUST RISKED MY LIFE AND HUMILIATED ME FOR THE SAKE OF SOME BROWNIES!" Percy screamed.

Jason shook his head. "They're not 'just some brownies'. You'd understand if you'd just tasted one."

"I don't want-" Percy didn't get any further as Jason stuffed a brownie into his mouth.

"This is really a waste, but I can't really eat all of it. I'll just make some more."

"How... charming," a voice said. Both of them turned to see that Aphrodite girl who thought that Jason and Percy were a couple. "I just saw you feeding him with your own hands, and that too brownies that you made yourself. I'm feeling so jealous..."

"NO! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!" Percy and Jason screamed at the same time as the girl ran off. They started arguing with each other when the mermen approached them.

Boy were they ugly, Percy thought. He could hear their thoughts. _Boy has stolen sacred recipe. Boy must die._

Percy began wondering what he would do next. He sure couldn't fight, and there wasn't water anywhere.

"Listen, Percy," Jason said. "I have a plan to stop them. Just repeat what I say so that they can understand."

Percy nodded and began translating.

"Well, we're sorry about stealing your recipe," Jason began and Percy relayed. "But there's one thing that we can do to make it better. We can have Percy Jackson, the prettiest under the sea, serve you wearing a maid outfit. Would that be okay?"

Percy actually said all that before he realized what he just said. The mermen seemed oddly happy and said things like: _Really, that Percy Jackson? We don't get many beauties down here, the nereids and naiads ignore us, but that will be good. Okay then, we'll be leaving._

Percy watched as they all went back to the sea. Of course, Jason immediately began taking credit for saving the camp by himself. Percy knocked him out cold with a blow to the neck while he wasn't looking and explained how things really happened. The campers carried off Jason to be punished somewhere, but he got off easy once they tasted the brownies.

Percy, however just cared about his dinner. When it finally came though, Chiron said,

"I'm sorry, but due to the attacks, dinner has been cancelled. All of the food was destroyed. Don't worry, breakfast will be extra large to make up for it."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Percy screamed.


	3. Attack of the Mermen (Again)

Percy Jackson opened his eyes and was surprised to not see the familiar roof of the Poseidon Cabin. He looked around and realized that he was at his mom's apartment.

That's right, he thought. He now remembered how he had gotten there. After going into a crazy frenzy about not having food last nigh, he had kidnapped a pegasus and rode it to New York City. His mom didn't have any food at that time, only candy, so Percy ended up eating ten kilograms of candy in under fifty seconds.

During the subsequent sugar high, Percy had then proceeded to blow up the apartment's water tank, rode the wave all across New York screaming 'Death to the communists!' He then almost ran over the vice president who was there on a visit and then freed all of the fish at the market. He may have also blown up a Wendy's or two. After he got back to his apartment, Frank morphed into a piñata and they all hit him with sticks and then ate the candy that fell out of his innards until they fell asleep.

That last part may have just been a hallucination though.

Percy reached for the apartment's telephone. He dialed in a number to Camp Half-Blood.

"Yeah, Chiron?" Percy asked. "Tell the Stolls that the prices of fish in New York are about to go up. I have inside information on this."

He then hanged up without listening to any of Chiron's protests on to what he was doing.

As Percy went towards his mom, he noticed that she didn't look happy. She was holding something that looked like a small pamphlet. The moment she saw him, her eyes narrowed. Percy knew that his mom didn't get angry easily, but she seemed to be trying pretty hard at that moment.

"Perseus Jackson. Would you mind explaining what these are?" Percy registered the use of his full name. This could be bad.

The moment he saw what his mother was holding, he burst into a cold sweat. They were pictures of him in a maid outfit.

"Where'd you get these?" Percy asked.

"In the funniest place. Your friend Nico came over and dropped these. I said I wanted a few and he agreed," Sally Jackson said. Percy made a mental note to add Nico to his hit list, second only to Jason.

At that moment, Percy ran through what he should do and several scenarios that would probably arise if he did.

**Plan A: Play Dumb**

"I have no idea what these are," Percy would say.

"But Nico described them in quite detail."

Of course, he couldn't hide something like this from his mother.

**Plan B: Say It's Someone Else**

"Mom, I know that looks a lot like me, but maybe it really is someone else," Percy said. "Like maybe my twin sister who was separated from me from birth."

"That only happens in badly written fanfictions."

Of course that sounded stupid.

**Plan C: Blame it on Photoshop**

"I bet that image has been doctored using photo editing," Percy said. "That's the only explanation."

"Even though demigods can't use technology?"

Oh yeah, he'd forgotten about that.

Percy had to say things looked bad. None of his plans seemed likely to succeed. So, he just told his mom the truth, which probably should've occurred to him earlier if it wasn't for the aftereffects of the sugar rush.

"Well, you should always know that I'll love you no matter what. The thing is, I just couldn't stand it if my boy was some sort of... well, you know," Sally said.

"Yeah mom, I don't like doing any of that. And don't worry, it won't happen again. It's not like I ever wanted to do that," Percy said.

Just then, an Iris message came. It was from Jason.

"Percy, remember how you promised to serve those guys coffee wearing a maid outfit? Well, we need you now." The call was then terminated.

"'It won't happen again?'" Percy's mom quoted.

"About that..." Percy said nervously.

* * *

We now interrupt this to bring you the Ask Dionysus section. Remember how Zeus split Mr. D's punishment into half? Well, he did it again, on the grounds that Mr. D start putting up this advice column, in order to communicate with the youth a bit more. So, if you want your question featured, merely put into the box located in the Big House. To show you all just how much Mr. D appreciates your questions, he's also put ferocious leopards all around the box who will eat anyone who comes close!

**Q. Mr. D, I have this huge problem and-**

A. It seems that this message was incomplete. There's something oddly like leopard spit on the corner...

**Q. Mr. D, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?**

A. 339.677

**Q. What do you have to do to get sown into Hades' underwear?**

A. Continue to ask me stupid questions like this.

**Q. Mr. D, what is the meaning of life?**

A. This depends on who we're talking about. The meaning of your life is to stop bothering me and stop complaining that life isn't fair. The meaning of my life is to sip wine and enjoy things while other people do the hard work.

**Q. Mr. D, I'm really into this girl, but my dad says that she's off limits and I'm sure he'll get angry about it. What do I do?**

A. You want to be careful in these kinds of situations. Your dad might punish you by forcing you to stay at a camp filled with annoying teenagers for a while. I'd say it isn't worth it.

* * *

Once Percy had finished explaining things to his mother, he began searching for the pegasus he had taken. He went to the roof to see one with brown hair galloping away from him.

Don't worry, I won't hurt you, Percy said to him telepathically.

Really? But last night you were trying to hit me with a sword and shouting like a crazy dude, 'I want some candy!', the horse replied.

That was just sugar, Percy said. He guessed that hallucination hadn't been a complete hallucination. The pegasus seemed to understand that.

Once Percy reached Camp Half-Blood, he noticed that the lake seemed to have been tainted. There was some salt water in there too.

Jason seemed to have been waiting for him. As Percy disembarked, he looked up and said,

"Yeah, those guys who you promised you'd serve them are waiting up in the lake. Get to it." He held up a maid outfit, and it was way more elaborate and... suggestive than the last one.

"Where did you get that?" Percy asked. Jason threw him a look which said 'You don't wanna know.'

At that moment Percy remembered exactly what had happened and tried to pulverize Jason. Jason deflected it with his spear but dropped the maid outfit.

"Look, it's dirty now. Who do you think is going to clean that?"

"Shut up! And die for your crimes." Percy replied.

They continued fighting, but voices began to emerge from the lake. Jason seemed to be more afraid of them than Percy, even though Percy could understand what they were saying.

Jason seemed to think that it was a better idea to run. He ran, but Percy continued to chase after him. He guessed he could get out of his deal with those fish monsters if he offered Jason to them.

But Jason was pretty good at running away. Eventually, he just soared right on up towards the sky. Percy had bigger problems though. The sea monsters now seemed to be attacking camp.

Oh well, Percy thought. That happens pretty much every other week. I can probably sit this one out.

"Someone help!"

Oh well, Percy thought. Just because people were in need didn't mean that they needed a son of Poseidon.

"If only there was a son of Poseidon here!"

Well, they never said specifically that they wanted me, Percy thought. They could've been thinking about Tyson.

"Where's Percy Jackson? We need him!"

Oh, all right. Percy thought. It looked like it was time for him to step up to the plate.

He hadn't gotten five steps when Zeus appeared from him with a streak of lightning and a rumble of thunder above.

"Percy Jackson! Prepare to meet your maker!" Zeus said, raising the Master Bolt.

"So... you're taking me to see dad?" Percy asked.

"Um, no," Zeus said awkwardly. He didn't really mean that he was going to take Percy to meet his maker, it just sounded cool at the time.

"But, you just said meet your maker. Doesn't that mean my father?" Percy asked.

"Not really," Zeus said. He made a mental note to check up on these things before he said them. "But now, you will pay for whatever you've done. Thanks to you, my wife thinks that I go around affiliating with poultry all the time."

"Oh, in that case let me clear things up," Percy said. "I suppose it is the least I can do."

"Eh, maybe?" Zeus said. He thought about it and couldn't see how it could hurt and handed Percy his phone.

Percy dialed the number. "Um, Lady Hera? When I said 'college chicks' chicks meant girls. Not baby chickens. Thought you should know."

Above them, a voice shouted at Zeus. It seemed Hera was even madder this time.

"Curse you Perseus, I wil see that you get yours one day," Zeus said. He exploded into golden sparks.

Well that was close, Percy thought. Anyway, saving the camp shouldn't have been too hard, after all, all he had to do was swing his sword around.

"Percy! There's something bad!" Frank shouted as he came near. "The guys have taken a bunch of campers hostage."

I knew it had been too easy, Percy thought.

Just then, Jason landed in front of them. "Look guys, I've found something. You see, I was just visiting dad but I noticed that he was fighting with Hera so I went into her room and took this." Jason held up a small bottle. "I think it's supposed to dull the senses and get other people to believe whatever you're talking about, kind of like getting drunk but more persuadable. I don't know why Hera wanted it, probably for dad, so I guess I kind of feel sorry for him."

"So what do we do with it?" Frank asked.

"Simple. We just get Percy to dress up and feed them coffee laced with this stuff. I don't think they'll far for just that, so we'll just tell them that they've gotten everything that they wanted," Jason said.

"Why do I have to dress up like that? Why don't you do it?" Percy asked.

"Because," Jason began, and he put his hand on Percy's shoulder and said very serious-like, as if every single word he said was deep from his heart, "you look a whole lot better wearing a maid outfit than I do."

"Yeah, well, thanks- WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" Percy had mistaken the words for a compliment given Jason's tone. Was it possible that Jason was learning how to Charmspeak from Piper?

Percy decided that there was no way that they were ever going to talk him into wearing a maid outfit again.

Five minutes later...

"I can't believe you talked me into this," Percy mumbled as he tried not to trip over his black high heels.

"Don't worry Percy. I think you look great," Jason said. Percy nodded happily before he realized what he was saying and punched him.

As Percy approached the mermen, he just couldn't help but feel anxious. Surely someone would figure out who he really was...

But he learned that he was completely wrong. The mermen seemed to notice nothing, and as Percy could read their thoughts, he was getting slightly uncomfortable. Like Jason had said, they wouldn't just take sipping coffee from him now as payment, but they were happy as a start.

Percy really began to wonder just how potent the drug was. They had added a small drop to each cup, and now the mermen would happily believe that they were actually farmers and lived in Victorian England. Percy really wondered what Hera had been planning to with it.

In the end, the camp was saved, and everyone was happy. That was, until...

"Hey Percy!" Jason said. "See, the fact that you just saved camp was pretty huge. They're going to make the next bead with a symbol of you on it... wearing a maid outfit. You'll be remembered for eternity from now onwards as a boy who went around in a dress."

The lake, nearby, exploded, like it was trying to drown everything around it.

**A/N: I know what you're all thinking at the end of this: 'How much is ten kilograms?' It is around 22 pounds. And another thing, my fund is still open. Do you know how expensive it is to get an imaginary therapist? Quite. Now start donating.**


	4. A Test of Courage, Part One

Dionysus wasn't one to worry about things at camp. As a matter of fact, when things when in danger, he was usually the first one to ignore things and not care at all.

But for some reason, he seemed to be the only one concerned about this recent problem. Things were changing around camp. Dionysus couldn't put his finger on exactly what it was, just that there was something odd about the camp. And campers.

Oddly enough, no one else seemed to notice. Chiron went about things as if everything was perfectly normal, and so did Argus. Dionysus, ironically enough, seemed to be the only one who saw all of it.

Take the newest orders from Zeus. He had opened a help column, and now he wanted Dionysus to start giving out various prizes to everyone every month. Dionysus looked outside to see some Ares children ganging around someone.

"Stop it." Dionysus said. All of the campers looked at him surprised. "Don't kill him. I have to fill in paperwork each time one of you brats decides to kick the bucket or disappears, so just beat him up horribly, would you?"

Dionysus looked at his list. The first person was Percy Jackson.

Percy walked in, wondering what this whole prize system was about.

"Perseus Jackson," Dionysus began, "You have been voted number one in the category, 'Most suitable boy to wear girl's clothing.'"

"Wha-what?"

"Also, you've been voted number one in the category 'Best maid outfit wearer'"

"This, wha?"

"And, finally, you've scored number one in the category, 'The guy I most wanna date-'"

"Well, that's good at least."

"-'same sex category.'" Dionysus added. It seemed Percy really couldn't take any more. Dionysus himself was pretty weirded out by the whole thing. What was this all supposed to achieve? And he personally found the categories slightly odd...

"Wait," Dionysus added. "It seems that you tied in the last category with Jason Grace."

Just that moment, Jason burst through the door. Dionysus and Percy stared at him.

"There's no way that's possible!" Jason shouted.

"What's not possible is that you burst in the moment I said that," Dionysus said. "Were you standing outside the door and eavesdropping?"

Dionysus found that he was completely ignored. Percy and Jason started arguing with each other.

"What is wrong with you two?" Dionysus asked.

"NOTHING! I JUST DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK THAT I'M ON THE SAME LEVEL AS THAT LOSER!" they both shouted simultaneously while pointing to each other.

"Okay, that's it," Percy said. "You're on. Let's settle this once and for all."

"That's supposed to be my line," Jason said. Both of the demigods drew their weapons.

Dionysus knew that they were going to tear the camp apart if they fought. And also, if they died, he'd have to fill out paperwork. And he just hated paperwork.

"Why are you bothering fighting?" Dionysus asked. "What you should do is compete in a contest."

Percy and Jason lowered their weapons for an instant. What Dionysus was saying made sense. For a second.

"So, who's going to be the judge though?" Jason asked.

"Chiron?"

"No, he might favor you because he knows you better. We need an impartial judge, someone's who's not going to have to face consequences if one of us loses." Jason said.

Dionysus knew that they were soon going to ask him. He just couldn't allow that to happen.

"Why don't you ask Hades?" he suggested.

"Hades?"

"Yes, he hates both of you equally, so I suppose that it's fine for you to go to him." Dionysus said. Jason and Percy seemed to agree and went on their way.

* * *

We now return with our much in demand, Ask Dionysus section.

**Q. Last time, when you were asked about the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, you came out with a decimal. How is that possible?**

A. Do not question the gods.

**Q. Mr. D, I keep working at this camp all the time and though I throw my eyes all around, I don't seem to be getting respect or a something good for it. What should I do?**

A. You're not going to get a pay raise, Argus.

**Q. Mr. D, how can bumblebees fly even though their wings are too small for their bodies?**

A. You should be more shocked as to how all of you brats can walk and talk at the same time even though your brains are too puny compared to your body mass.

**Q. Mr. D, why do you drink Diet Coke instead of regular Coke? Is it because you're fat?**

A. No, it just happens to taste better. And I'm not fat, my belly expands merely because it is full of godly power!

**Q. Mr. D, what's so great about Pac-Man? I don't really see the appeal.**

A. It's due to people like you that I'm sure that there's something wrong with society...

* * *

Hades was sitting leisurely in his throne. He kept glancing around to make sure that no one was looking at him. There was an extremely good reason for that. He had seen his son Nico going around selling these photographs all over the place. When he had finally asked him about it, Nico had said that the photos were there to cheer people up. Hades wasn't going to put up with that kind of nonsense. He'd confiscated the photos, but not until he had seen them.

The photograph had the greatest beauty he had ever seen. He had hoarded up every single one he could find and locked himself in his palace. He even kissed it once. He couldn't let Persephone see that, so he was sort of nervous...

Just then the front door smashed open.

"It's not what you think!" Hades cried until he saw that it was Percy and Jason. "Oh, it's you two."

Percy noticed that Hades had sounded relieved for some reason. He was standing next to a pile of posters and Percy saw that one of them was him in a maid outfit. It wasn't exactly how he had planned on starting the conversation.

"Lord Hades, why do have posters of Percy?" Jason asked.

"Oh, well, Nico was delivering them, and not that I wanted them or something, but I just couldn't have such stuff lift- what did you say?"

"Um, those are pictures of me," Percy said.

Percy had thought earlier that it was impossible for Hades to get any more pale, but he managed it pretty well now.

"I thought it looked familiar... excuse me for a moment," Hades said. He then ran into the bathroom and Percy and Jason could hear retching noises from inside.

Ten minutes later, Hades walked out. It was then that Jason and Percy told him about their absolutely pathetic problem.

"Fine then. I'll agree to be your judge," Hades said. "But for the contest, I think that a test of courage would be the best idea. I'll have both of you exposed to a series of things, and you merely have to keep a straight face. If one of you doesn't, he'll meet with a punishment game and have a point deducted. We'll continue on like that."

Jason and Percy thought about it. It seemed to be a pretty good idea. If they had fought, there was no real way that they could ensure that one of them wouldn't have an advantage over the other, and if they fought where each of them was strongest, they would just end up destroying a lot of stuff. A test of courage seemed to be easier to judge too, so they agreed to it.

It might have been Percy's imagination, but as they agreed to hold it next week, Hades seemed a bit too happy.

A week passed, during which Percy tried his best to stay calm in odd situations. He played poker against the Stolls, who, since they always cheated, ended up with better hands, so Percy could learn to bluff. He then watched every single horror movie he knew, _Scream 1-4. World War Z, Snakes on a Plane _(so he wouldn't get shocked easily), and _Never say Never _by Justin Bieber. That should have prepared him for almost everything.

The day came. Jason and Percy stood outside Hades' palace. They were waiting for Hades to appear, but instead Nico did.

"Yeah, I sort of helped dad with setting up this stuff. Dad's waiting inside, and just so you know, the contest starts the moment you enter the palace," Nico said.

Jason and Percy nodded and walked inside. They saw Hades sitting on his throne.

"Welcome. The rules are simple: Do not get agitated. If you do, I deduct a point and you are forced to take a bite of these," Hades then held a platter of cookies in his hand. "I made them aboveground, so they don't count as food from the Underworld, so you won't be stuck here." Jason and Percy stared at the cookies and both of them could swear that they saw the evil emanations emerging from them. Eating them would be like taking the kiss of death, they both realized.

"And for our first exhibit," Hades said, "we have this."

A small television appeared out of the shadows and began playing. Percy and Jason began looking at the screen, wondering about what they were going to encounter.

It showed Leo standing at a stadium. The audio began to play.

_Today, we are going to have a presentation from Leo Valdez on how to skillfully reject girls. _

_"What can I say?" Leo Valdez began,"when you're just as popular with the ladies as I am, you're bound to leave around a few broken hearts. It makes being me, almost difficult."_

Percy and Jason couldn't take it. They just had to cry out. To see Leo actually saying such stuff with such a straight face was unbearable.

"I told you you couldn't react," Hades said. "Punishment game for the two of you."

Percy and Jason had only taken a small bite, and their knees already felt weak. It wouldn't have been a problem if Hades had shown them tortured skulls or other normal scary things, because they would have prepared for it. But to show them things like Leo talking like that so suddenly, it should have been criminal. Both of the two demigods glared at Hades.

"Oh, well, what can I say? You two are heroes, aren't you? If you can't take this kind of stuff, you're just not brave," Hades said with a smirk.


	5. A Test of Courage, Part Two

Percy and Jason continued on their way, wary of what tricks Hades might have up his sleeve.

"This is our next item," Hades said. He switched on a gramophone and that weird elevator music on the elevator to Olympus. Percy and Jason clenched their teeth. This wasn't so bad.

And then, Hades turned on a screen to show Apollo wearing some sort of 70s attire on the top and only boxers on the bottom dancing to the music.

"ARGGH! THAT POISONED MY EYES!" Percy and Jason both screamed. They were forced to eat more of Hades cookies since they had lost their cool, and they were beginning to lose the feeling on the tips of their tongues. Even Hades felt sympathetic. He had accidentally gotten that footage a long time ago, and when he had seen it he hadn't been able to sleep for three weeks.

"Now, I bet by now you boys are hungry," Hades said. "Let's take a walk towards the dining hall."

The dining hall was set up pretty nicely, you know, if you ignored all of the ghosts wading through it. The food looked pretty normal.

"Don't worry," Hades said. "It was all made aboveground so is technically not food of the Underworld. And you haven't seen our main appetizer." Hades took out one of those plates covered by an inverted silver bowl. Hades took it off to show a disembodied head.

Percy and Jason stiffened. They had been expecting something of this sort. Hades looked disappointed, but guessed that after seeing Apollo he'd need something really spectacular to get at them.

Percy and Jason sat down. Percy didn't want to eat so he started reading a newspaper kept nearby.

_Demigod Peace Prize Given Out_

_Today, the Demigod Peace Prize was given to a camper from Camp Half-Blood: Clarisse! Here are a few words that Percy Jackson had to say,_

_"You see, I just knew that she would get that prize. Clarisse has always been the most peace-loving person I know and-"_

Percy stopped reading the paper then and there. Hades looked at him for a reaction but Percy wasn't going to provide it.

After ten minutes it was clear that none of them were going to eat anything, so they continued walking down a deserted hallway.

Nothing happened, which just made Percy and Jason even more suspicious. They were sure that Hades was just trying to lure them into a false sense of security.

At the end of the hallway, they saw something on the ground. It was once they got closer that they saw it was... Nico.

"Yeah, I really kind of don't care," Percy said.

"Me neither," Jason added.

Nico got up, because of course, he wasn't really dead. "Did you guys see through it that easily. Was it that obvious?"

"No Nico," Jason said. "We were serious. We don't care if something happens to you." Percy nodded.

Nico waited for one of them to say "We're joking!" After five minutes none of them did.

Nico began to cry. "You guys... are mean!" He then ran off to Hades knows where.

"What a loser," Percy said. Jason nodded.

That certainly didn't earn them any points with Hades. He was going to wait before taking out the big guns, but now he decided to go completely with it.

Percy and Jason were scooted over to a hall where they were forced to read Fanfiction. All sorts of bad stories kept cropping up, it would only be a matter of time before they caved.

Both of them were fixated on a Chao story so Hades thought that he could leave to set up the other traps. He smiled to himself. He hadn't had this much fun since, well, ever!

Lemons began to show up though, and Percy and Jason were forced to cringe in horror. It was then that Percy had one of his rare enlightenment moments.

"Psst... Jason," Percy whispered.

"No, I can't stand any more Leyna," Jason whimpered. "What is?" he asked when he noticed that Percy was talking to him.

"Don't you think this is all a bit weird?" Percy asked.

"What could be weirder than you?"

Percy ignored the insult. "Think about. Don't you think that Hades agreed to all of this a little to quickly for some reason? Not only that, but these contests are weird. He probably could've have this finished with in ten minutes, but he's taking all of this time to it all."

"Wait, Hades hates both of us-" Jason began.

"-so he probably wants to kill both of us," Percy finished. Both of them realized that that was why Hades was taking things slowly: He wanted to savor the whole moment. They had to do something.

* * *

Little did they know it, but they were in for a whole lot of trouble aboveground as well.

You see, Thalia had come back to camp to check up on Annabeth. The thing was that she had heard some very weird rumors... and seen some very odd pictures out there.

She hadn't seen Percy or Jason around, so she went up to Annabeth who was looking depressed. Annabeth told her all that had happened.

"Well," Thalia said, unsure of how to begin. Fighting monsters was one thing, but she really had no idea how to solve this sort of problem. "I guess we should start seeing if any of these things are... well you know, you can't go around believing everything you hear. Let's check out their cabins to see what they have."

Annabeth thought that it was an okay idea, but there was one problem. "I guess you can wander into the Zeus Cabin without a problem, but this is the Poseidon Cabin we're talking about here."

"Don't worry. You're his girl, and that gives you unlimited right to go through his belongings," Thalia said.

Annabeth started with her search. There was the usual mess in the cabin, wrappers and such thrown around everywhere. There wasn't much else to go on, and just as she was about to leave, she accidentally tripped on a banana peel.

"Classic," she muttered under her breath. She was just glad that the Stolls hadn't been there to record it, otherwise they'd never let her live the whole thing down.

Just then, she saw that something was sticking out of Percy's bed weirdly. A normal person wouldn't have notice it, but to Annabeth who had been studying architecture for a long time, it was hard to hide.

"A secret compartment," she muttered. She opened it to see a single book- a history book, as a matter of fact. That was suspicious enough. She took it out and saw that it was just a cover.

She saw what was actually inside- an adult-oriented magazine.

So this was what Percy was hiding. She had to admit that the plan to hide it was pretty good, except for hiding it under a history book cover. No one in their right minds would believe that Percy read history in his free time.

Thalia came into the cabin. "Look what I found," she said and pulled out some similar _reference material _that she had hidden in her pockets. She had hidden it because she knew it would generate a whole lot of odd rumors if she was seen with them.

"So this is what they've been hiding," Annabeth said. She sounded cheerful.

Thalia was confused. "Being his girlfriend, shouldn't you be disgusted that you found that kind of stuff in his room?"

"Yes," Annabeth said. "But this proves that he's really actually interested in girls!"

Thalia had to admit that it was true in a way. She was also relieved to know that her brother liked these sort of normal, though perverted, things. "But still, we can't let something like this slide. Let's go find them and teach them a lesson." Annabeth nodded.

* * *

Meanwhile, Percy and Jason were having a tough time down in the Underworld. They now had difficulty walking because they had been forced to eat those demonic cookies. At the moment, they were tied, but they were starting to not care about the whole 'Test of Courage' thing by that point.

They were led into a small room this time with a single television and a DVD player. Hades walked in, and from his expression you could tell that he was having the time of his life. He had always wanted to punish these two brats, and now they had come up to him and asked him to do it. It was a no-lose situation.

"I wanted both of you to see this," Hades said. Percy and Jason braced themselves. What kind of horrible, evil, twisted thing would Hades force them to see? Would they be forced to hear Luke singing in the shower? Would they have to watch the gore of the first Titanomachy again?

The screen lit up and showed Piper. They calmed down a little, which was their mistake. She began talking.

_"Well, if you're asking about the thing that I like most about Jason," she said, "it would be that he's just so honest and upright and-"_

Jason fidgeted uncomfortably in his seat. Percy could understand. Even experienced couples had hard times listening to their partners talk about them, and Jason and Piper had just hit it off. It was even worse since the whole thing had been unexpected. The more Piper continued, the more he got agitated until he finally yelled out.

"Penalty," Hades said.

"But that's not fair!" Jason said. "The whole video was set up so that it would target me! There was no way that Percy would have reacted to that!"

"Don't worry," Hades said. "There's a second disk specially for him."

Hades took the remote and played the second part. Percy tensed, wondering if Annabeth was going to say something.

Instead, all he saw was a small room that looked like the Hermes Express. Heremes was there, and his caduceus was at the side away from him. The camera zoomed in and Percy could see that Hermes was kissing a photo and mumbling about "How I'll make you mine." It made no sense at all to Percy until the camera changed angles.

The photo was Percy in a maid outfit.

"ARGHHH!" Percy screamed. He too, was given a penalty. Hades seemed to look at Hermes sympathetically before turning the video off.

Percy and Jason felt sick to their stomachs from the cookies. Hades could tell that they weren't going to last much longer, and it would be problematic if they died. His brothers would never forgive him, no matter what the circumstances.

"So, right now both of you are neck in neck," Hades said. "But the thing is, we have to wrap up this competition. Let's go back to the throne room where I'll show you the last piece, and the worst. Whoever can keep a straight face for this wins."

Percy and Jason followed Hades to the throne room. No matter how much they hated Hades for putting them through this, they hated losing more. Both of them were sure that they weren't going to lose on this last part.

They stood in the Throne Room for five minutes. Hades frowned. He had told Nico to bring the special attraction around, but maybe the boy had been too busy sobbing to do it properly and ran off somewhere. Maybe he should have gotten his sister to do it instead.

Just then, Percy and Jason watched as Thalia and Annabeth burst into the room, each carrying those magazines that they had thought they had hidden very cleverly. They felt as if they had been punched in the stomach. They knew it was supposed to be scary, but this was just too much.

Hades looked at them, confused. Why were they even here? He certainly hadn't invited them. Then he saw Nico behind them.

"This is my revenge for being such big jerks to me, you two!" he said to Jason and Percy.

"Would you mind explaining these?" Thalia asked in a falsely sweet voice to Jason. He stammered, this kind of tactic was really underhanded.

Percy decided that if he was going to die, he'd kill Hades first. He swung his sword at him, but he had been eating those demonic cookies and that weakened him. All that happened was that he missed and just nicked the top of Hades' Helm. That was bad apparently, because it exploded and sent everyone flying.

Jason regained his senses and saw that his hand was on Percy's chest. He started feeling it and saw that... there seemed to be a few lumps.

"Percy, is your chest developing?" Jason asked. Percy punched him, and Jason cried out, officially ending the match.

In the end, Jason lost to Percy, which was shameful.

However, there were then rumors that Percy's chest was developing, which was more shameful to him. Go figure.


	6. The Champion Tournament

Percy was gently humming to himself. Thing is, he was actually quite distressed. His relationship with Annabeth wasn't going on too well. He was wondering what might have cause d that to happen. He replayed the events of the path few weeks in his head.

First off, Annabeth had heard rumors that he was going out with Jason and saw him running around in a maid outfit.

The next day, she heard some more rumors that Percy and Jason were going out.

Following that, he had worn a maid outfit again.

Later on, Annabeth had discovered some adult reading material in his room.

Finally, there were rumors that his chest was developing.

Percy turned pale. "What wrong decisions have I taken in my life?..."

Just then, a pamphlet flew into his face. It was describing some sort of contest of heroes. Every person could bring in one weapon set and they would fight in pairs in a tournament style match until one person remained. The winner would get a wish from Zeus himself.

Percy had to note that it was weird that it had just happened at the very moment that he needed it, but anyway, he went ahead and signed up.

Later, he waiting to see who he would be pairing up with and when the tournament would begin. He was sure that he was going to get a great partner and thanked the gods in advance.

"Percy Jackson and Jason Grace," Dionysus called out.

I take my thanks back, gods, Percy thought.

Percy and Jason both glared at each other.

"Just don't weigh me down," Percy said.

"That should be my line, wimp," Jason said. They both glared at each other when they saw that Annabeth and Thalia had drawn together.

"We need to get rid of them," Percy said. If they continued, their chances of winning would have been minimized.

"Agreed." Jason and Percy then told them that the match timings had changed. They would come late, and so Annabeth and Thalia would be disqualified.

The first match began. Most of the other contestants seemed to be getting normal matches against monster and the like.

There were several tents scattered around camp, so Percy and Jason began working for their battle quickly. The moment they got there, they saw who their opponents were.

Hercules and Theseus.

Percy and Jason paled. The difficulty setting for this was a bit too high.

As the match began though, they started smiling.

"What does it matter who we're facing?" Jason said.

"After all, our teamwork is simply impeccable," Percy said. Hercules and Theseus seemed to take them somewhat seriously and charged.

"I'll leave it all to you!" Jason and Percy shouted simultaneously and jumped back.

"IDTIOT! WE CAN'T BOTH LEAVE IT TO EACH OTHER!" Jason shouted.

"That should be my line!" Percy said.

Hercules and Theseus were looking at them, disappointed.

"Well, anyway, I have a plan. Listen up," Jason said.

"Okay," Percy said.

"You attack Hercules and distract him. Then, taking advantage of an opening, you defeat Theseus," Jason said.

"Okay, wait THAT JUST LEAVES ME DOING ALL THE WORK!" Percy shouted.

Hercules and Theseus seemed to be _really_ disappointed by that point.

"It was just a joke," Jason said. "The real thing that you need to do is cover them with water, and block their weapons for a second. Then, I'll deal the finishing blow with a lightning bolt. It should work if they're soaked."

"Okay, just make sure not to hit me," Percy said. He covered his two opponents in water from the atmosphere, and jammed Riptide against Theseus' blade, and blocked Hercules from using his club.

"Any minute now. Just be sure not to hit me," Percy said. Jason grinned malevolently and let loose a lightning bolt.

The bolt struck Percy, as if Jason was aiming for him.

"YOU JERK!" Percy shouted as voltage coursed through his body. Theseus and Hercules collapsed and were deemed unable to battle, but Percy was still conscious.

How was Percy still conscious when he faced the brunt of the attack? Well, it was all because he knew he had to kill Jason before passing out.

Jason waved to the crowd gathered around them. Dionysus announced that they had won.

"Don't worry Percy, I won't let your vain death be in vain," Jason said.

"You just said it was in vain yourself!" Percy shouted.

And so, they moved on to the second round.

Percy and Jason were getting fired up when they saw who they were facing. Frank and Nico.

"Oh no," Jason said. He was tired from the lightning bolt, and clearly Percy was wiped out too. "This is looking bad."

"Don't worry," Percy said. Jason could almost see the evil emanations arising from Percy. "I still have a plan. I call it the 'Disposable Jason Strategy'."

"Wait, I'm not feeling too comfort- AGHHHH!" Jason shouted as he was flung full force towards Frank and Nico. Then, lightning streaked from all over him and there was a sonic blast, defeating all three of them.

You see, Percy's strategy involved using ice particles from the atmosphere to charge Jason's body. When he threw him, the wind would propel him and cause a massive discharge and large amounts of heat and sound to be released. Of course, Jason would be terribly wounded in the process, hence the name of the tactic.

And so, Percy and Jason won round two.

Their opponents from round three didn't make it, so at least they had a short span of time to recover.

The fourth round was on. Percy and Jason walked in to find their opponents.

Apollo and Artemis.

P"WTD!" both of them shouted at once.

"Hey," Apollo said. "We want that wish from Zeus too."

Percy and Jason analyzed their options. They were both exhausted, so direct fighting was clearly out of the question.

"We have only one option," Percy said. "We cheat."

Jason nodded. "Hey Lady Artemis, don't you think that Apollo looks a lot like you?"

Artemis' eyes narrowed. Just what was this kid getting at? Both Apollo and Artemis nocked arrows.

"See this," Jason said, holding up a recording he had made on his Iphone. It showed Apollo dressing up as Artemis and then dancing around and giggling and going up to people and saying "I'm Artemis! I'm so pretty!"

"Okay I get it!" Apollo said. He dropped his bow. "I quit! Just don't play any more in front of my sis!"

Artemis was now releasing a very strong killing intent. "You go up to people and act like that... as me!" She grabbed Apollo by the head and dragged him outside the arena.

"Wait sis! We'll lose if this happens!" Apollo said. His pleading was useless as he was dragged outside.

Percy and Jason could hear some muffled screams from outside but they didn't care. Dionysus declared that they had won since Artemis and Apollo had exited the arena.

There would be a bit of a break before round five, so they decided to use it rest a little.

* * *

I suppose at this point that you're waiting for the popular Ask Dionysus section. Well, it seems for the moment that it will be headed by a new victim, I mean, person because Ares did something involving driving his bike around the throne room and now Zeus is making him do this, so anyway, let's get on with the Ask Ares section now.

**Q. **My friend says that Pi is three, but I disagree and say its 3.2. Who's right?

**A. **Pie is a food, punks. And don't go and misspell it.

**Q. **My boyfriend and I got along pretty well, but lately he's not noticing me lately. All he does is look at this picture of someone in a maid outfit who looks familiar somehow, but I don't know what to do.

**A. **Punch 'em in the face.

**Q. **What is the meaning of life? I don't think Mr. D got it right last time.

**A. **Punch 'em in the face.

**Q. **Why is the sky blue?

**A. **Punch 'em in the face.

**Q. **Why are the answers to all of these questions 'punch 'em in the face' even though in most of them it doesn't make sense?

**A. **Punch 'em in the face.

**Q. **These people at school keep teasing me. What should I do?

**A. **See, it takes twenty-one muscles to frown when someone insults you. It only takes four muscles to punch them in the face. What's the answer: Punch 'em in the face.

**Q. **Look, the thing is that due to some weird unfortunate circumstances, I was forced to wear a maid outfit and now people think weird things about me like that I might be a girl. How can I fix all of this?

**A. **Punch yourself in the face, Percy.

* * *

Round six went by smoothly since Percy and Jason's competitors had gotten into a fight. They were supposed to be a couple but one of them punched the other for some reason and quoted something like 'Ask Ares' for some reason so they were disqualified.

Anyway, the seventh round was here. Large crowds had gathered by this time and now all matches were being broadcasted.

Just then though, Annabeth and Thalia burst into the stadium.

"Percy! You lied!" Annabeth said, clearly heartbroken.

"Look, ladies," Jason said. "It was obvious we were going to win so we didn't want to put your names up as a favor."

"That's still despicable," Thalia said,

"ONLY LOSERS COMPLAIN ABOUT DESPICABLE, DIRTY, OR UNFAIR THINGS!" Percy and Jason shouted simultaneously. Annabeth and Thalia stormed out.

Both of them turned around to see their competitors for the seventh round: Mars and Athena.

"WTD!" both of them shouted at once. "This just isn't fair!"

By now, it was round seven, so most competitors were normally be tired out. But these were gods, and both of them were sure that everyone had just surrendered to the two of them when they had fought.

"Only losers complain about despicable, dirty, or unfair things," Athen said.

"That's the sickest thing I've ever heard!" Percy said.

"You said it not two minutes ago," Athena replied. "And now, I'm going to get back at you for tricking my daughter like that. Will you surrender?"

Even though they possible couldn't win, Percy and Jason stood their ground.

"That's nice punks," Mars said. "It's been some time that I've gotten to beat someone up."

However, Jason immediately got on his phone and called someone. Within five seconds, a golden net had appeared around Mars and was carrying him away.

Percy guessed that Jason had made some deal with Hephaestus.

"Mars has exceeded the permitted altitude," Dionysus said. "He is disqualified."

Athena glared at the two of them. "You still will not win, children." She advanced with her shield and spear.

Percy and Jason still were hardly able to stand though.

"Don't worry, I have a plan," Percy said.

Athena doubted it. But the thing was that Percy and Jason were still standing and weren't retreating. There was an odd glint in the Son of Poseidon's eyes. Could it be that he had genuinely seen something she did not?

Percy and Jason diverged and attacked from two sides. It might have succeeded at some point, but they were just too tired and Athena managed to catch both of their weapons in her shield and spear.

Percy enacted his plan immediately. Jason tossed him his Iphone and Percy played that clip from that last time from the Test of Courage in which Apollo was dancing in these weird boxers to the elevator music from the Mt. Olympus elevator.

Now, no sentient creature can possible take the sight of that. While Athena was stunned, Jason took the chance and knocked her on the helm. She collapsed.

"Jason and Percy win," Dionysus called out. "Athena is unable to fight."

Jason and Percy hoped that they would get some break in the eighth round, but it didn't look like that was going to happen.

Their opponents for the semifinals were... Hermes and Clarisse.

The Stolls were sitting on the stands and watching them.

"It was nice knowing you."

"Let's hope that we can steal and prank you in our next lives."

"Does nobody really care about us?" Jason asked.

Hermes and Clarisse walked it. They were tired, but not as flat-out exhausted as Percy and Jason.

Hermes only took a few seconds to change his caduceus to missile mode.

Jason was ready for it, though. He pulled out a photo of Percy in a maid outfit and Hermes paused for a second.

Now that Percy strained his memory, he could remember there was something about Hermes and his photo that he had seen in the Test of Courage.

"Do you know who this is? It's Percy," Jason said. Hermes' eyes widened. Martha and George said something about it to Hermes, they were probably confirming what Jason had said.

"We know it's true," Clarisse said. Hermes immediately ran out the stadium, probably to go puke.

"Hermes has left the stadium," Dionysus said. "He is disqualified."

Clarisse was ready to charge, but just then, Mars dropped out of the sky. He had probably escaped from Hephaestus' trap, but crashed outside the stadium.

Clarisse ran over to go help her father, and so left the stadium and was disqualified.

"We won!" Jason said. "There's only the final round left!"

"Great," Percy said. "It's amazing that we managed to get here. I guess we owe to our courage and bravery."

"Courage and bravery!" Dionysus shouted. "You guys managed to get here just by shoveling horse dung. I was supposed to make a commemorative photo of this incident, and how am I supposed to do that when you two have gotten here through dumb look and trickery."

It was odd for Dionysus to get so riled up.

"I guess you were pretty bad," Jason said.

"No, it was you, my friend, who was bad," Percy said. They began arguing and got into a fight.

And so, they forgot to take Ambrosia and Nectar for the final fight like they should have to get rested.

The final fight began. There was a huge crowd this time. For their last opponents, Percy and Jason were up against-

Reyna and Octavian.

"It makes total sense now," Jason said.

"What?" Percy asked.

"Didn't you find it weird, you know, how our matches have been," Jason said. "Look, we've been up mostly against gods and other just too powerful people while others go against normal monsters and such. It doesn't make much sense, so I was thinking that someone might have been rigging the whole thing. After all, this tournament thing is a spectator sport. They'd like seeing gods vs. gods as that would be a better fight. But then I thought who could possibly be despicably enough and have the connections required."

"Obviously Octavian," Percy said.

"You're the last people I want to be called despicable by," Octavian said.

"Whatever," Jason said. The match began. Though Octavian was a jerk, he was good, and Reyna clearly wasn't joking about anything either. Both of them seemed to be fit, probably because Octavian had guaranteed that they had gotten the easiest fights. Also probably because they hadn't been fighting amongst each other.

"Any plan?" Percy asked.

"LET'S JUST GO ALL OUT!" Jason screamed. Percy agreed and both of them together began forming lightning clouds.

They clashed and blew away their opponents, but around ten seconds after they had won, they got tired and collapsed, unconscious.

Lightning struck and Zeus dropped from the heavens. "So, a champion has been crowned. What is the wish they want?"

Zeus saw that both Percy and Jason were lying on the ground when a tiny Aphrodite girl approached him.

"What is it?"

"I know what they want," the girl said.

"Well, I suppose you might say it then," Zeus said. He had work to do later on, so he wanted the whole thing to be over quickly.

"They," the girl said. "They just want everyone to be able to be together. You know, regardless of being boys or girls."

And that, is how Jason and Percy managed to get Zeus to allow gay relationships.


	7. The Child Project, Part One

Percy was, once again, very depressed. That whole tournament thing was supposed to improve his standing in society, and all it did was do the exact opposite.

Sure, once he had been the hero of Camp Half-Blood, but now pretty much every single camper thought about him way differently.

It was while he was ruminating about this that Jason and Leo approached him. Jason looked confused, while Leo looked... weird. Not like his usual carefree self.

"Um Percy," Leo began. "There's a favor I have to ask Jason and you for."

"What?" Percy asked. It didn't look like Jason knew either, but Leo was acting suspiciously strange about it.

"The thing is... Lady Hera sort of asked me to build this, um, thing, you know, kind of like virtual reality simulation and stuff, so," Leo said so softly he might have been whispering.

Jason and Percy thought it was weird, so they just followed Leo to a small building he had set up for the project. The inside was surprisingly clean, they had expected to see tools and whatnot scattered all over the place, but it was neat and orderly except for something which looked like a typewriter fused with a Nintendo DS.

"You see, I was working on this whole virtual reality thing for a time," Leo said. "And then just then a goddess comes up and pops up and asks for some adjustments to be made and..." Leo kept on ranting on, mostly to himself. Not quite like him. Percy wondered if Leo had been sleeping lately.

"So what do you want us to do?" Percy asked.

"Urm, just stay put," Leo said. "I just need to choose two people and then the system will create a virtual avatar... you know what I'll just show you it."

Leo selected Jason and Percy using the machine and flicked a few more buttons.

An array of patterns appeared on the floor, and something flickered to life on the floor.

It wasn't bigger than a three-year-old, and it had blonde hair and blue eyes that somehow looked familiar. It began clapping and running around.

"Wait, it really is a kid," Percy said.

"Yeah," Jason added.

"It's not just any kid," Leo whispered to himself.

"What?"

"Um, I don't know how to say this, but that's just not any kid... it's your kid," Leo said.

At first Percy and Jason had no idea what Leo was saying, and thought he was just joking or delusional, but that was when they noticed how the blonde eyes and blue eyes looked so familiar.

Jason grabbed Leo by the collar. "What is this?"

"Um, yeah, it was supposed to be just a normal virtual simulation, but then that freaky Hera just came and told me to make all these adjustments and said that she wanted data for some project, and that's pretty much how we ended up here," Leo explained.

"I'm bored! Let's play!" a voice called out from somewhere. Jason let go of Leo and everyone started looking around for where the voice came from, and it took them a minute to realized that it came from the 'kid'.

The kid came up to Jason and began punching him in the knee. "Play! Play!" he kept repeating.

"Ouch!" Jason said. "I thought virtual things couldn't touch actual objects."

"There might be a glitch," Leo said. The kid walked up and did the same thing to Percy.

"Look at this Percy!" Jason said. "The kid only knows how to talk with his fists. This is clearly inherited from you!"

"Shut up Jason! He's clearly inherited your sadistic personality!" Percy screamed back.

"Stop fighting!" the kid said and began kicking them. He was trying to get them to stop fighting by using more violence.

"That's just wrong!" Percy shouted. "This is all from your side of the family Jason!"

"No! He's clearly inherited his violent side from you!" Jason shouted back.

"Come on guys, it is the couple's responsibility to raise the kid," Leo said with a smirk. He seemed to have regained some of his original composure.

This just made the kid kick them more, until Leo switched the system off.

"Sorry guys," Leo said. "The thing is that I had to collect data from someone, and you were the only ones who I could possible fool."

"It's okay," Percy said. "At least it's over."

Just when Percy said that, as if on cue, that Aphrodite girl (whose name is Vanessa, by the way) crawled out of a hidden alcove holding a camera.

"Finally," she said. "I just had to record that moment of you two and a child together." Annabeth and Piper also walked out.

"How did they know what was going to happen?" Percy asked.

"I may have been wandering around the place muttering things," Leo said.

Vanessa ran out the door. Percy and Jason followed, they just had to get the tape back. Annabeth and Piper followed too.

"Am I the only one who's left out again?" Leo asked.

Vanessa ran into the Big House, where the rest of the campers were gathered for a meeting for some reason.

Percy and the rest also walked in. Before Jason and Percy could go into full pursuit, they were grabbed by Annabeth and Piper.

"Percy, let's go back," Annabeth said. "I want to try out that machine."

"Yeah, let me just clear thing out with Vanessa for a second," Percy said.

"Why not Percy?" Vanessa asked. "Go with Annabeth. You already had children with Jason, why not with her?"

Everyone in the room heard that. Loud and clear.

"EVERYONE DROP YOUR PHONES AND FREEZE!" Percy shouted. This was a huge disaster. Every single demigod dropped his or her phone, several had already opened theirs to text. Percy had anticipated that and he knew that this situation had to be brought under control. If those words that Vanessa had said got out, Percy would lose all hope of entering society as a respectable person.

"Now, nobody makes any sudden movements," Percy said. "Slowly, I will begin to explain thing in a very rational fashion. Everything you just heard will begin to make sense so long as- ARGH!"

Apparently Annabeth couldn't wait for such things, and started dragging him away. Vanessa began obsessing over her video tape while everyone in the room began texting.

After five minutes of struggling, they finally got back to the place where Leo was.

"Set us up!" Piper said.

"Guys!" Leo said. "I had to do this once, and only once. I have to shut this thing down now." However, Piper's Charmspeak and Annabeth's nagging turned him around.

But before Leo could fire up the machine, someone knocked down the door. Thunder crackled outside, and Zeus and Poseidon revealed themselves.

Now, normally Zeus wouldn't bother with visiting his children. But he had just been texted the strangest thing, that Percy and Jason had had a kid together. Now, it was true that he had granted their wish, but on hindsight he had realized that he should have waited for them to begin regaining consciousness before granting it.

But still, children were just out of the picture.

"No," Percy began. Thing was, he was getting very bad at explaining things lately, so he just signaled for Leo to show a demonstration.

Leo punched in a bunch of codes and muttered, "I wonder what this will look like."

Another patterned array appeared on the floor and this time another infant appeared. It was a girl this time though, and she was holding a lightning bolt in one hand and a trident in the other.

"I love daddy the most!" she said in a pretty cute voice.

"What is this?" Poseidon asked. He thought that the girl's eyes looked similar somehow.

"It's a virtual representation of a child that you two might have," Leo said. "You know, the system tries to control for various factors like genetics and probable futures."

"Oh," Zeus said. "So that's what I've been texted about. But the thing is that it makes me wonder: who could possible think of up some this sort of odd and weird thing that could only cause people trouble?"

"Lady Hera," everyone answered simultaneously.

"I can believe that," Poseidon said.

The two gods left, and the girl vanished with another "I love daddy the most."

There were several things that were wrong with that. For one, which daddy was the girl supposed to be talking about? And secondly, wasn't everyone to know that it was impossible for two boys to have a baby? Like seriously, what was wrong with society?

Anyway, Annabeth urged Leo so that he could hurry it up. Leo had collected enough data and he wasn't exactly the biggest fan of this machine, even though he had made it, so he just did it so that the whole thing might be over with.

Another small girl appeared. Leo was pretty tired and almost collapsed, so everyone started gathering around him to make sure that he was okay.

Except Percy. He had to admit that the girl was pretty cute.

"Let's play!" the girl said with a huge smile. Percy felt a little weird and took her up. She didn't seem too heavy.

"Higher!" she squealed. Percy obliged and soon they continued alternating going up and down like that. They seemed to be having a lot of fun.

Percy didn't even notice two minutes later when he saw that everyone was looking at them.

"Now isn't that just heartening," Leo said. He removed the simulation. Percy just tried to put his hands down and not too look embarrassed.

"Ah, Seaweed Brain, who knew you were such a sucker for children?" Annabeth said teasingly.

Percy felt his face going hot. "Jason, isn't this now your turn?"

"Okay I suppose," Jason said. "Do your thing, Leo."


	8. The Child Project, Part Two

What emerged from an array on the floor was a cute little two year old boy. He smiled at Jason and Piper innocently and wandered off towards Percy.

"Uncle Percy! Uncle Percy!" he repeated cutely.

Percy just couldn't help but smile. This kid was so nice. Quite unlike his father.

Percy touched the kid's hands, which was when he got an electric shock.

Percy gripped his hand in pain while the kid went dancing around and smiling that he had shocked Percy.

"I KNEW IT! IT'S PURE EVIL! JUST LIKE ITS FATHER!" Percy screamed.

"Very good," Jason said. "But you should have increased the voltage. And a part like the hand won't be fatal."

"Are you training your kid to kill Percy?" Leo asked. The boy vanished.

"I really should put this away," Leo said.

Just then, Vanessa popped in. "So, how is Jercy going on?"

Percy thought that was weird. Jercy... did she mean...

"No way," Percy said. "Look, Vanessa, you've got to understand things. I am definitely not gay. And even if I was, I wouldn't go for Jason. Maybe someone else, you know, like Frank."

It was then that Percy noticed that Frank and Hazel were standing outside. They started glaring at Percy.

"No wait... you guys... how much of that did you hear?" Percy asked. This situation was getting awkward. Now more people were going to think that he was some sort of perverted weirdo.

"What are you doing?" Hazel asked.

Leo explained how the machine worked and Hazel and Frank tried it out.

A pattern on the floor appeared, and out of it came...

...nobody knew what to call it. It looked like some sort of weird panda/human hybrid and it was drooling green slime.

Hazel screamed and Leo started cracking up.

"Okay, sorry, I may have done that on purpose," Leo admitted. Frank looked like he wanted to strangle Leo.

"I have an idea," Percy said. He stared walking closer to where Hazel and Frank were.

"Stay away from me," Frank said.

"I'm not giving over Frank to anyone," Hazel said.

THESE GUYS ARE TOTALLY MISUNDERSTANDING ME! Percy thought.

Just when that happened, the machine Leo was working on started making some weird noises. All of a sudden, more patterned arrays began sprouting out everywhere.

The kids they had created suddenly came out and began wandering outside.

"Guys there's something wrong with this," Leo said. That was slightly unnecessary as everyone could tell that.

They all ran out to get them back.

Dionysus was just strolling around doing nothing as usual when he saw a toddler walk up to him.

"Now you're a cute one," Dionysus said. "Who're your parents?"

"Percy and Jason! Percy and Jason!" the kid shouted eagerly.

Dionysus just looked at it, sensing something was going very weird.

Percy collapses once he saw the scene.

"If this keeps up, people will always think of me as some sort of cross-dressing pervert weirdo and all of my hopes of living a normal life will be shattered," Percy muttered.

"So... you've got nothing to lose right?" Jason asked.

"Shut up Jason! This is and was all your fault to begin with in the first place! Atone for it with your death!" Percy screamed.

"We don't have time for this," Jason said. Jason scooped up the virtual reality kid and took it back to Leo where he sent it back into the machine. Dionysus still looked confused but drank some Diet Coke and forgot about it. Mostly.

They were able to get most of the other kids back without causing more blows to Percy's nonexistent dignity.

"Okay," Leo said. "Now I'm going to turn off this machine for good."

The machine whirred to a stop and then finally died down.

"So," Percy said. "Leo why did you make this thing in the first place?"

"I have my reasons," Leo said quietly.

* * *

In an absolutely unrelated incident, Lady Hera had this to say regarding Leo's machine:

"Well you see," she began, "as we all know, birth rates have been declining for many years in several countries around the globe and families are splitting up. As my role as goddess of marriage, I just couldn't bear to see this happen and had to do something about it. So, I made a deal with that Vulcan kid to make this machine. I hoped that by using it, it would encourage the kids of today to do more tomorrow."

Though it is unclear exactly what it was that she decided to trade with Leo, Leo Valdez himself had this to say:

"This is the wrong approach. If you want to kick up birth rates, instead of concentrating on the result, you should focus on the process."

After that, he got a tremendous nosebleed and had to be carried away while people called him pervert.


	9. The BIg Baseball Game

It was a nice peaceful summer day at Camp Half Blood.

The sun was shining.

The birds were chirping.

All around Camp. people were relaxing and enjoying and talking with each other pleasantly.

Both the sky and the sea seemed to be at peace.

The Olympians weren't at war.

Apollo wasn't tormenting innocents with his poetry.

There were no monster attacks.

There wasn't a war.

All of nature and the very camp itself seemed to form a nest of the purest and sincerest serenity.

A cool and fair breeze sent the wonderful flowers nodding.

Yes, it was a day of peace. Every was quite and content.

Until a scream broke the silence...

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT SON OF POSEIDON SCUM!" came a shout from the Big House.

"Yeah right, Jason. It's your entire fault-"

"Look, Percy, we're not going to gain anything by arguing with each other, so let's just try to convince Chiron."

"Okay."

Chiron was just fanning himself when Jason walked in.

"Look, I have something to say." Chiron just nodded. "You see, with the advance of knowledge throughout the world, there have always been those who wanted to forbid certain segments of knowledge."

Percy joined in. "That's right. History is full of tyrants who wanted to keep the youth of their countries ignorant to make them easier to rule."

Jason continued. "Correct. That's why certain scriptures, no matter how much other people may condemn them, even how society may look down on them, are still necessary."

Percy finished. "Indeed. In order to protect the notion of free speech and thought in the world, we must allow all books. Only then can we truly be at peace."

Chiron considered everything for a second. "I understand, but no matter what you say, I can't give you back your adult-oriented magazines back."

Percy and Jason groaned.

The thing was, there had been a surprise inspection of the cabins, and Percy and Jason had had their... _magazines _confiscated.

"Why not?" Percy asked.

"Just how old are you two?" Chiron asked.

"Irrelevant!" Jason shouted. "Age has nothing to do with the thirst for knowledge!"

"They're all for people eighteen and up," Chiron said.

Percy and Jason could only grit their teeth. To think that they were defeated by such logic.

"But there's never been a check like this before!" Percy protested. "It's just not fair!"

"Umm, well, Zeus insisted on starting it, said the new campers were going to get out of hand," Chiron said. "And I can sort of understand him."

"But we need our stuff back!" Jason said. It was hard enough getting that sort of stuff when you were underage, and to just have it confiscated, it was just way too much.

Jason and Percy nodded at each other. If they couldn't get their stuff normally, then they would use force.

Both of them jumped at Chiron, hoping to surprise him. They were sure that he wouldn't be able to take two of them on at once.

Five minutes later...

"Ugh..."

"How-How did he move that fast?"

"I was going to zap him with lightning, but he just disarmed me."

"He's not human, not with that kind of speed..."

Percy and Jason were lying on the floor.

"Well well," Chiron said. "And they say that I'm getting out of practice. Anyway, demigods, if you want that stuff back I might be able to do something and you know, possible ignore this first infraction."

"What?" Percy asked.

"Well, you see," Chiron said. "I've been competing with the other camp counselor, Lupa, for quite some time and we decided to have this contest for one to see who was better."

"So what is it?" Jason asked. "Gladiator fight?"

"No, we used to do that. But you know, we have to modernize and all... it's a baseball match. Full nine innings, with each of us making our own demigod teams," Chiron said. "Win, and I might just overlook this thing and return your confiscated items."

"Eh, it might just be easier to pay the Stolls to steal the stuff back," Percy said.

Chiron moved to a corner of a room and removed a curtain to reveal a cage. Inside were the Stoll brothers.

"He took our grenades," Travis said.

"We tried to get them back," Conner added.

"Okay, we'll do it," Percy said.

"Good," Chiron said. "And you better succeed, because there's a used karoake machine at stake here."

"I suppose so," Percy said. "Anyway, we'll win. After all, we're pretty good at baseball and so are most other people."

Jason nodded.

But then they saw who their team was comprised of.

"Our team is filled with nerds!" Jason said.

"What?" Frank asked.

"And Franks," Percy said.

The team also had Leo and Nico, but none of them were exactly very sporty. Aside from the Stolls (who had finally been let out of their cage) they had just gotten a bunch of Demeter kids and a few Apollo kids.

Thing was, what they really wanted were kids from the Ares/Athena cabin.

"What's the deal?" Percy asked.

"Oh yes," Chiron said. "I forgot to tell you one thing. All the other kids knew I was going to trap you in this sort of situation, so Annabeth and Thalia joined the other team to take revenge."

"This... isn't good," Jason said. Though they might have been strong, the thing was that baseball was a team sport. With a weak team, their chances of victory were slim.

"Don't worry Jason," Percy said. "With true conviction and effort, mountains can be shifted, the differences between humans can be patched up, dreams of every magnitude can be achieved, and we can finally get our magazines back."

"That last part really is amazing," Jason said.

"Why... why are you two always so enthusiastic when it comes to lame stuff like this?" Frank asked.

"So, we have only one option," Percy said. "We cheat!"

Jason nodded without hesitation. "Now look, team, this is supposed to be democratic, so be good and do everything we say, okay?"

Percy had to go for a while, which was when Jason began forming his real plan.

"The thing is," he said, "we can't win directly. We're going to have to use psychological warfare against these people. And that starts with messing with their minds."

Everyone nodded. They all knew this mean sacrificing Percy, but they were ready to go along with it.

The day of the match came. Jason started it by having a rather important conversation with Percy.

"Look, Percy," Jason said. He then started whispering some things about Reyna into Percy's ear.

That was all he needed to do to start his plan. Percy went along and up to Reyna, the captain of the other team.

Twenty seconds later, Reyna punched him.

"So, it's not true?" Percy murmured. He began staring at various parts of Reyna in a weird way.

"Per... pervert!" Reyna screamed and stormed away.

Yup. Everything was going according to plan.

The first innings began. They were going to pitch, and Dionysus was standing referee.

Percy was the pitcher and Jason the catcher. Reyna was the first one to step onto the plate.

Percy through the ball as hard as he could. Too bad it hit Reyna smack in the middle of her face.

"Batter hit! Batter walks!" Dionysus said.

Reyna had to be restrained by Octavian as she muttered various things that showed just how much she wanted Percy dead.

Jason walked up to Percy. "Good job!"

"But I wasn't even aiming for her," Percy said incredulously. He didn't get how he had hit her.

"Oh that," Jason said. "That was my thing. I changed the direction of the air currents so that you'd hit her."

Swish! Percy moved so fast that the air hissed and just narrowly missed breaking Jason's neck. Argh. That Jason was fast.

The next person up was Octavian. Jason started sending signals to Percy to direct him on how to throw the ball.

Use. your. ice. powers. make. an. ice. ball. stab. Octavian. with. it.

Percy had to say that he really didn't mind executing Octavian, but the thing was that Dionysus would have to do some paperwork, and Percy didn't want to fall on his bad side.

Then. throw. the ball. slowly. in. the. corner.

Percy nodded and threw the ball as directed.

There was a loud thwack as Octavian got a home run.

"What is wrong with you?" Jason screamed as he marched up to Percy.

"You're the one who gave me the wrong instructions!" Percy shouted back.

They kept arguing for five minutes before going back.

Percy, if you mess up this time, prepare to die, Jason said with hand signals.

If you give the wrong signals this time, I'm going to shred you, Percy replied.

The third batter was someone they hadn't seen before, so they didn't exactly know much.

Jason gave directions and Percy pitched accordingly.

There was another loud thwack as the guy hit a home run.

Percy unsheathed Riptide and Jason took out his spear.

There were murmurs from the rest of the team.

"We shouldn't have trusted them in the first place..."

"These guys are idiots..."

"How stupid..."

Percy and Jason decided to cut the fighting. They got three strikes and managed to take out the other team for the first inning.

The score was 3-0.

The pitcher this time was Reyna and Percy was the first batter.

There was a loud noise as Reyna threw the ball at full force at Percy.

"Hit by ball. Batter walks," Dionysus said.

Percy was writhing in agony, however. To see that someone could throw so hard, it just wasn't human.

Jason seemed to be happy. Good, the plan seemed to be working fine.

Next up was Leo. Jason whispered the strategy to him, and Leo nodded, showing that he had understood completely.

Reyna pitched the ball normally this time. But Leo never hit it at full force. Jason knew that he couldn't anyway, so he had told Leo to just keep on getting fouls.

A dozen balls went towards Leo. A dozen foul balls.

A dozen more now.

Reyna was sweating, and Jason was grinning. This was exactly what he had been trying to achieve. By doing this again and again, Leo was building up psychological pressure on the pitcher. And she was probably exhausted now that her anger at Percy was gone.

And as she got more irritated, her pitching became worse. More foul balls.

Annabeth, the catcher, called for a time out. She walked up to Reyna and whispered some things in her ear.

Reyna glared at Leo with newfound hatred, but then said, with an odd smile on her face, "You know, Leo, I find it odd that you're not trying your best. After all, girls love a guy who can hit a home run."

Reyna pitched and Leo hit the ball with full force, which was eventually caught.

"Batter out," Dionysus said.

Leo slumped back towards the wall dejectedly. Jason had to say that he was pretty mad. To think that the other team had thought of this kind of odd tactic...

Not that he was one who could really say something about that after what he had done.

Next up was Frank. Luckily, he was good and managed to get a triple. Percy came home and they had finally gotten a point.

Travis was up next. Jason knew the Stolls were moderately good at pretty much anything, so he had told him to try to get a single so they could get another point.

"Be good," Annabeth said. "After all, Katie is watching."

Travis whirled around while Reyna threw a ball, but since he had moved, it counted as a swing and so was tallied as a strike.

"That's not fair!" Jason said. He was talking to the umpire, Dionysus.

"Hmm, I don't think you're really in a position to be going around saying things like that," Dionysus said.

"Right," Jason said and gritted his teeth. This was time to up his game.

Travis did managed to get a single in the end and they got another point. The score was 3-2, and it wasn't in their favor.

* * *

This is normally time for the Ask Dionysus section, but he's refereeing in the baseball match today. Lady Athena agreed to fill in for him and decided that she'd ask the questions instead of answering them, and none of us had the spine to tell her otherwise. So, here it is.

**Q. Fill in the blank:**

Michelangelo was not only a sculptor and painter, he was also . He was a multitalented man.

**Annabeth's Answer:**

Michelangelo was not only a sculptor and painter, he was also an architect. He was a multitalented man.

**Comments:**

Good. He's also one of your brothers, and this is nothing less than what I'd expect.

**Jason's Answer:**

Michelangelo was not only a sculptor and painter, he was also a loving father. He was a multitalented man.

**Comments:**

Child of Jupiter, your answer is wrong. However, it does portray one of my children in a very nice light, you know, as also being a nice father, so I may let this thing slide.

**Percy's Answer:**

Michelangelo was not only a sculptor and painter, he was also the one who assassinated John F. Kennedy. He was a multitalented man.

**Comments:**

GIVE ME BACK THE LOVING FATHER TO HIS CHILDREN, SON OF POSEIDON SCUM!

* * *

They didn't get any points after that however, unfortunately, and at 3-2 it was time to change sides again.

This time, the one who stepped up onto the plate was Annabeth.

Percy had to say that he was nervous. He wasn't sure about how to go on this with this sort of thing.

Jason changed his glove. Percy saw that he was supposed to pitch in the lower left corner. Percy pitched but Annabeth didn't swing. She was probably going to check up on their strategy.

Percy pitched again and Annabeth didn't swing. It was a ball this time.

Just then, Jason took something out of his pocket and dropped it on the plate. Annabeth looked at it oddly as Percy pitched. She tried to swing, but it was too late. The ball just hovered in the air and then Jason caught it.

Annabeth stormed off the plate.

Percy wondered what it was that Jason had dropped. He walked up towards the plate and saw that it was picture of him in a maid outfit.

Really, Percy felt like crying.

The inning ended with no points. Percy had to admit that they were lucky that Piper wasn't playing, otherwise who knew what she might have done with her charmspeak.

But the thing was that they didn't get any points either.

And neither did the opposing team.

And now, with this all going perpetually back and forth, they were at the bottom of the last innings. The score was 4-3, and it wasn't in their favor.

It was Percy's turn to bat. Every time he had gotten on the plate before, Reyna had hit him hard and he had gotten to walk. He was feeling pretty sore right now.

He wasn't even trying to swing by this point. He was just sort of cowering and hoping the ball wouldn't hit him.

And of course it jut had to.

Percy collapsed unconscious. Clarisse ended up becoming his pinch runner and went to first base.

Leo was careful with the hitting foul balls thing. It was getting harder to break his concentration, and thirteen fouls passed by.

Reyna really was getting tired and frustrated by now. But Leo got careless and one of his fouls got caught.

Leo was out.

Frank was up next. Jason really was worried. He had tried almost every dirty tactic he knew, but the other team just somehow always outsmarted him.

And they were just pushing and showing like this over and over.

Frank hit the ball, but it was caught and he was out.

Not good! One more out and they'd lose! This was time for some desperate tactics.

While no one was looking, Jason switched Travis's bat. As Travis went up to bat and hit the ball, it opened up and swallowed the ball, turned into a box, and hit the ground.

All right, Jason thought. Leo really made that nice this time.

Travis didn't know what to do but Jason screamed at him to run and he did. Clarisse got to third base and stopped as the ball, or box, was thrown away.

Time out was called. Annabeth complained that they had cheated, but since no one else in the team knew anything besides Jason, Dionysus eventually just let them off.

And now, Jason himself was up next. This was going to be problematic. He felt himself sweating, but for the sake of those magazines, he was ready to go through it all.

The ball was thrown. Jason hit it, it had been a bad pitch so it didn't fly very far, but Jason could change that with his wind powers.

The three of them ran over home plate as their teammates cheered. They had finally won.

"So, give us back our stuff," Percy said as he regained cognizance.

Chiron nodded. "Don't worry, I've mailed everything already. To your parents. I say that we should allow them to see the things and judge if it is appropriate for the two of you."

"But I don't have any," Jason said. "So just give it over to me."

"Technically, Thalia is older than eighteen so she had it now," Chiron said. "So good luck."

Percy and Jason screamed as they realized that their lives were over.


End file.
